Yes, I have been trying, but with little success. I did sign up for a tennis league and have played three matches. The interesting thing is that all three women I've played so far don't have children. Hmmm...maybe there really are others out there. Seems hard to believe when I'm constantly surrounded by pregnant women or women with kids. I also signed up to try out a local rowing club. I used to row in college -ages ago and thought it might be something fun to try. The most exciting thing I've done, however, is book a sailing trip in the Virgin Islands for my big 4-0 this winter. We are chartering a boat with a captain/chef and will be sailing and island hopping for a week. I can't wait! I guess that's one thing that we couldn't do if we had a baby - so even though we didn't win the grand prize, I guess we get the consolation prize.
But other than that. I'm still sad. Really sad. I'm so tired of living my life this way. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be truly happy again.
I'm so used to trying to come up with a new plan after every failed IVF cycle, it's hard not to keep doing that even though we are most likely done for good. I did schedule a second opinion consultation with another doctor in the area after never going back to my doctor for the beta -and then no one even bothering to call to see what happened to me. I can't even begin to tell you how wonderful this new doctor was. He sat and talked to me for over an hour and a half - what doctor ever does that?? He was the most kind, compassionate doctor that I've ever met and I can't tell you all the regrets that I have for not going to him three years ago, or two years ago or even six months ago. In the end, we may have had the same result, but at least the journey would have been a hell of a lot better. He is amazing. He even hugged me when I left. As we talked and I constantly teared up, he validated my feelings and talked about how hard this must have been on me and my husband and our marriage. He pointed out that we have only been married for 4 years and have been trying to get pregnant for 3.5. He understood the toll this has taken and said his recommendation - even if we wanted to do another cycle right away - is to wait and do nothing for a while - just take some time and enjoy each other. He also really wants me to go talk to a therapist about all the emotions I'm experiencing. It was obvious that I'm in really bad shape. So, I took his advice and scheduled an appointment for next week with a therapist who specializes in women's issues including IF. Then I have another appointment with Dr. Fabulous to see him again in May. So we'll see where things stand then.
Right now, my husband says he is done. Which breaks my heart because he would have been the most amazing dad. I can't stand it. The thought of us never having a family of our own kills me. But, just as the doctor said, he also pointed out that we haven't had a chance to even enjoy one another during our entire marriage. He's worn out emotionally from all this and he also is not willing to spend any more money. At one point, he and I were both considering adoption. I scheduled a couple of appointments and signed up for some information sessions at different agencies, but within the last week, he's had a change of heart. He says he doesn't even want to consider it now. He says he's done and is ready for us to move on with our lives.
So, this might really be it. If it were up to me and if I had the money, I would risk it and try one more DE cycle or embryo transfer - if I had a couple of good ones to work with - which I don't - with this new doctor. Even if it didn't work, I think that would give me peace of mind. But unless I start playing and actually win the lottery, that's probably not going to happen. We'll see where my and my hubby's heads are come May when we meet with Dr. Fabulous for the second time.
Anyway, thank you all so much for your support. Have a fabulous Easter - it's going to be sunny and 88 degrees here tomorrow - hope the weather is just as nice wherever you are.
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8 comments:
Honey, my team director boss did one of those island hopping private sails in the Caribbean (I think there were 4 couples) for his big 4-0 and said it was the most amazing trip ever. They did plan a LOT of extra wine and liquor into the trip, of course. ;) I'm jealous - I've been hoping to do that some time too.
Riley, I'm glad you posted, I have been wondering how you have been getting on.
The trip sounds completely fabulous and I think Dr Fabulous is right about spending some time with your hubby. I hope you guys have the best trip ever!
Dr Fab sounds well, fabulous. My current doc is my fifth and he is very much like Dr Fab. It makes such a difference.
Good luck with everything, I hope you will continue to post.
So glad to hear from you. I've been thinking of you and wondering how you are doing. I hope Dr. F is able to give you and your husband a fresh perspective on things. He's right about how hard IF is on the individuals and on a marriage. My DH and I were married 12 years before we were faced with IF, but I imagine it would have been so much harder to deal with when we were first married.
Your winter vaca sounds fab. Reminds me of the movie Four Seasons (beautiful scenery). We loved the USVIs.
I hope you keep posting. Take care.
It sounds like you are doing all of the "right" things to keep yourself happy and moving forward. And it's great that you found a good new RE and that he understands how tough this is... so many of them just couldn't care less. Be well and continue to take care of yourself
I so wish it weren't so hard for you... I too think you are doing the 'right' things that you need to do. You need to do right by your husband and yourself because you both deserve it. I hope from my heart that your child/ren will come to you sooner rather than later.
Happy Easter!
I'm so sorry things are so hard. Although we never tried donor gametes, we (as you know) failed five IVF cycles and the pain really is unbearable at times. Some days I still wake up and think to myself "Did I really go through all of that?"
I agree that just taking some time for you and your DH is a good idea. My DH and I were married over ten years before we started down the IF road and I think it would be SO HARD to do right away in a marriage--so kudos to you for toughing this out together. If you are still open to adoption...you never know...your DH might start reconsidering. Right now the pain is just too fresh, it's all too raw. You both just need a break.
email me anytime: lastchanceivf@gmail.com
HUGS.
Can I say I am envious of your trip? It sounds wonderful.
I hope things will work themselves out one way or another. Taking a break sounds like a great idea. I hope you can enjoy it.
My husband and I are in a bleak situation ourselves. I've been contemplating embryo adoption and have found that the cost is the same as a FET if you find donated embryos at an RE's office. I'm sure you've heard of this option but just thought I'd throw it out there in case you haven't and your husband changes his mind about trying again. My best to you.
(Sorry if this is posted twice. The first time didn't appear to have been saved.)
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