Life is Not All Bad

Sorry for the completely downer post yesterday. Obviously, Mother's Day is not a day I enjoy. I was going to completely ignore the day, choosing not to celebrate or acknowledge it in any form or fashion. But then, I thought that I should at least send my mother-in-law a card, so I did. And my hubby did give me cards from our cats and our dog - sweet, but still sad in a way, if you know what I mean.

But the weekend wasn't all bad. Hubby and I actually headed out of town on Thursday to celebrate our fourth wedding anniversary. We went to Charleston and had a fabulous time. The weather was beautiful, we ate amazing food, drank too much wine, took a carriage tour of the city and rode bikes through the historic district and battery. We spent late afternoons on the rooftop bar of our hotel, overlooking the water and celebrating our marriage.

There hasn't been much to report since I last posted regularly. I decided to take a break from blogging to see if it would help me shift my focus from IF to other things. To some extent, it's worked, but the sadness is still there, and it likes to pop up at expected and unexpected times. I don't know that it will ever completely go away.

So, how are things with me? What's the latest? I'm OK and nothing much is going on. I did go meet with the therapist that I had mentioned earlier. I went once and never went back. The therapist is one who specializes in infertility issues, so it was nice to talk with someone who at least understood the process and the language. That was nice. It felt good to unload everything on someone who actually understood, and I think that was helpful. However, the entire time I was talking to her, I kept thinking that this isn't going to help me have a baby and the whole process started to annoy me. Also, she never mentioned that she had children but based on her hours and comments about how she couldn't work late on a certain day because her husband was out of town, I assumed that she had kids, so that started to annoy me, too. I also wasn't crazy about having to spend even more money on something that wasn't going to get me any closer to having a family of my own, so I never went back. That was probably a mistake, and I may go back in the future. But at the time, it just wasn't working for me. I know at some point, if we really do end up never having kids, that I'll probably need some professional help in dealing with all that.

The main thing that I've been focusing on is trying to lose the 15 pounds that I gained over the past year of IF treatments. That has been the most frustrating part of everything. I'm exercising - running, going to spin class, lifting weights, rowing, and I'm eating healthy (other than this past weekend in Charleston) more fruits and vegetables, less alcohol, but the pounds don't want to come off. I'm bigger than I've ever been in my life. I think all those drugs really screwed me up. My period is MIA, too. It showed up right on time last month - for one day - and then did it again this month - I thought it was finally starting but it only lasted one day. So who knows what's going on?

And for the latest news on the IF front - I think I had mentioned that my husband has had enough - he's basically accepted the fact that we'll never be parents and he is ready to move on. I'm not. So, what do we do? My plan, since we've planned our big sailing adventure in the Virgin Islands for January, and I don't want to be pregnant then - or at least not too far along that I can't go - I've decided to take a break (crazy - I know - it's a first!) and take the time to focus on other things, live life, have fun, try to lose weight - basically, see what it feels like to live without children, try it on for size, see if I like it. Then, after a few months have passed, I'll reassess and see if I still really do want to have children or if I'm OK with our lives without them. I guess if I want to try again our option is using donor embryos from my clinic - we are on the waiting list - or somehow coming up with the money to do one more donor cycle - then that's it. I can't keep doing this forever. At some point, I guess you have to say enough is enough. My thoughts on adoption keep changing, but most days I think that's not a good option for us, considering our ages, the cost of adoption, all the hoops you have to jump through and the long waiting period. If we were are the beginning of our IF journey, I'd be all for it, but after all we've been through over the past 3.5 years, I just don't think we have it in us to go through that process.

So, that's it for now. Even though you don't hear from me much these days, I'm still following along and hoping for the best for all of you - and for me, too.