My name is Christy. It's not Riley. I don't even know why I ever chose that name. It has no connection, no meaning to me - maybe that's why.
Anyway, I'm Christy. I'm a real person. I'm infertile and it appears that I will never ever be a mother.
Unlike most other infertiles that I've encountered online (because I don't seem to know any IRL), I didn't get lucky. My attempts at IVF did not work - like it does for most others. I was even willing to use donor eggs. Donor sperm. Donor egg and donor sperm - didn't matter. Still didn't work.
I went to three different doctors. No one could find a single thing wrong with me - that makes it even worse. There is no explanation for my situation.
We tried IVF with my eggs, IVF converted to IUI, DE IVF, DE/DS IVF, DE/DS FET and then finally donor embryo. NOTHING worked. We also tried on our own for four years during all this and inquired about domestic adoption only to get rejected because we are too old.
What's really hard is that I so thought it had worked this time. I had all the symptoms. Everything went so well, but I got the call today. BFN.
I am a complete failure. I'll never be able to give my husband the child that he so desperately wants. I'll never be a mother.
The End.
26 comments:
Christy, you are not a failure. You are strong and brave for trying everything that you could in terms of treatment. I am so very sorry that it didn't work for you. But you are NOT a failure.
I am so sorry that you have reached the end of the road and that it didn't work out. I really understand your pain at not being able to give your husband a baby. This is the thing that probably hurts me the most. We are still tring at the moment but really, the end of the road is near.
I'm thinking of you and wishing you lots of peace and healing as you work through this. A big hug to you.
Christy,
I'm so sorry. This is one of the hardest posts to read. I feel your pain and have tears in my eyes for you. I know you feel like a failure, but you aren't. You can't control this. I understand feeling like a failure and eventually I realized that you can't fail at something you have no control over.
I wish I had some magic words that could help ease some of your pain and lift you up. Just know that someone across the country is saying a prayer for you tonight and thinking of you.
Take care.
Christy, I am so very sorry. I wish so much that I could say or do anything to make this easier, lift a tiny bit of your burden, but I can't, and I'm sorry for that, too.
I'm thinking of you, and your husband. Wishing things were easier, different, better. I am so very sorry.
Christy, saying 'I am sorry' may not mean much to you. It certainly does not change anything. But I so wish it could.
I wish this were not the end.
I wish your story could have a fairy tale end, when good things finally happen to good people who have suffered long enough.
You are in my thoughts.
Hugs,
Mina
Dear Christy,
Everyone before me has said what I want to say, but better. You are not a failure although I know (believe me) why you feel that way.
I wish I could change things for you. I am so truly sorry.
Christy, your pain is so heartbreaking. You are not a failure, you did not fail in anything. It is biology in all its crappiness that failed YOU.
I wish i could help, but all I can do is offer my sincere affection and support.
Emma
Christy, you are not a failure. Failing is never trying. And you did everything you could wrap your arms around. I understand and can relate to your despair because, although my path is different I have faced the end of a dream and cried like the world was ending. I get it.
I wish I could reach out and hug you. If you ever need to talk, reach out to me. I am so sorry.
Oh, Christy, you are so brave to have done everything you have and, like all the others here, I so wish that it had worked. But you didn't fail. You did all you could and I'm sure your husband loves you even more for it. And I continue to hold out hope on your behalf that there is some cosmic shift in the universe and that one day soon you are surprised by a BFP. In the meantime, I am sending you both lots of love and strength and I am here if you ever want to talk. verymadhatter@live.com
Love,
Maddy
Christy,
It hurts so much to read this. You are not a failure by any stretch of the imagination. This isn't about you. It's about circumstances beyond your control, it's about modern medicine's inability to figure it out, and with respect to your not being able to adopt because you're "too old" (my god, I can't tell you how much that one pisses me off), it's about sheer idiocy. You two want to be parents and that your age would stop anyone from letting you have a child is sheer idiocy.
With every atom of my being, I hope that the universe will somehow surprise the two of you with the gift of parenthood. I truly do.
I am so sorry.
Lots of love,
Linda
I've been reading and following your blog for a long time. I am heartbroken by your sadness and hope and pray that you will find peace. IF sucks and I'm so sorry that nothing worked. It's impossibly hard to end the IVF/DE etc. cycling, but I hope you end it when YOU and DH are absolutely ready to end it. I did IVF 8 times (over $100K in out of pocket expenses) and I was just not ready to end it. I wish peace and happiness for you. Please keep writing. xxoo
My heart hurts for you, I know that bitterness of hearing, if you just try with DE, or DS - THAT will be the answer. But it isn't, no one knows the answer - they are just guessing and for most people it works out. Except not for everyone.
Have you considered surrogacy? I have been told this is my only hope (although I'm still doing another round of FET for God knows what sadistic purpose). I had thought I'd never go there, but if I ended up with a baby I guess I wouldn't care in the end. Dunno. Best of luck my dear. I am thinking of you through this horrible time.
over from LFCA...there is no way that someone who has been through and survived at least one iota intact everything you've been through is a failure. i have no doubt i'll be in your place within the next year after we failed the donor options, so i hope you keep writing so i'll know how to get thru it just like you will somehow too.
I'm so sorry :( I do want to say that the domestic adoption agency we used, the Independent Adoption Center www.adoptionhelp.org, does not have an age cut-off if that is a route you might still be interested in pursuing. We adopted our wonderful son thru them, and while if you read back thru my blog you'll see we have some issues with them post-placement, they were wonderful up to that point. I don't know where you live but they have offices throughout the US and do take clients from out of state as well. I just wanted to share this because there ARE agencies out there who do not discriminate based on age, so IF that's a path to motherhood that you would still consider, please know that it is not closed to you. Wishing you healing and happiness, wherever your road takes you next.
I'm sorry you're hurting so much. I know others have said that you are not a failure and I agree that you're definitely not, but I know it's hard not to feel that way sometimes. You feel what you feel. Thinking of you and hoping that you find some peace with whatever route you choose next.
I am so sorry. You are no more a failure than someone who has pancreatic cancer. You were dealt the worst of cards and I am so very sorry. Please take care of yourself and talk to someone who can understand so that you don't have to carry this pain alone. Husbands can only understand so much. I hope that you can find a counselor or a woman that has been through this. My thoughts are with you. I wish that I could change the world.
Here from LFCA...
You are only a failure if you actually had any control over getting pregnant. Even with IVF, you never really had control did you?
IF sux.
{hugs}
Here from LFCA. You are NOT a failure ... you are a survivor. That title doesn't make it hurt any less, or make it any easier. But please, don't blame yourself for the cards biology dealt you. *hugs* to you ... I hope you can find it in yourself to be kind to yourself.
You are not a failure and you are definitely NOT alone. I'm in a similar place as you reaching the end of the treatment road. Not willing or able to do more. Our next step is exploring adoption.
Sounds like you need to take the time to lick your wounds, to heal yourself. Remember this deep feeling of pain will pass. The universe has something truly magical in store for you!
Hi, I'm here from LFCA and just wanted to say how sorry I am that you got such bad news. And like everybody else has said - you are NOT a failure. You did all you could do. xx
You are not a failure! This feeling is so common among the IF world (including for me) but somethings are beyond our control and therefore we couldn't have failed. This post is heartbreaking and all the while I find it more so because I fear it will be a post I write someday to. I can't completely understand how you feel but know you are feeling broken. If you need anything...just ask. *hugs*
I am so sad for you. I wish could convince you that you are not a failure and you will still find joy in your life.
I honestly don't know how you move on, but I still think you will.
I am wishing you peace. I am very, very sorry.
Dear Christy, here from LFCA - sending you a BIG hug. I'm very sorry.
Christy
I am so sorry I am just now finding this post.
I didn't go nearly as far as you but no ART ever worked for me either. Five IVFs with my own eggs and I no longer trusted any part of my body and couldn't even try donor anything.
We have moved on to international adoption, but that does not mean I do not know the pain of what you are feeling on some level. And I hate that you are feeling it.
Be gentle with yourself.
I am so sorry about the loss of Buddy and your failed cycle. The combination of those two so close together must be really hard to cope with...
Why can't everyone have a miracle? Why? I just don't understand and it hurts so so much. The end near for me as well. If it's any comfort at all, you're not alone.
I'm so sorry. I have peeked in on your blog from time to time, hoping to see joyous news. I wish life was fair and you were holding the baby you so deserve. I'm sorry, Christy.
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