I know I should be positive since I'm PUPO. But it is really hard. I had almost convinced myself that I really didn't care if this FET worked or not because I have so many things that I want to do, so many plans that would be ruined by a pregnancy. Who am I kidding? As each day passes and beta day approaches, I am terrified of this not working. And I'm pretty sure it won't. I mean if two perfect, fresh, hatching blasts did not work, why would I think that three less than perfect frozen embies will? I know there is a chance, but I'm not feeling real hopeful. I'm scared.
I mean - what is this going to mean for the rest of my life? What is this going to do to my relationship with my husband. I mean we got married almost four years ago because we wanted to have a family together. We bought a big four bedroom house with a big yard for our kids to play in. What do we do if this doesn't work? Right now, the only ones who ever use our upstairs are the cats - they both have their own rooms - with one to spare. It's ridiculous. We don't need this house if we don't have kids, but along with spending the past 3.5 years trying to get pregnant, we've also spent just as much time renovating our home since it is an older home. We love it, but if this doesn't work, it's all a big joke. It's way too much house for two people.
I really don't know what we are going to do. I'm 99.9% sure this is the end of the road for our attempts to have children. I don't see us spending any more money on IVF, donor eggs, FETs etc. We were somewhat considering adoption, but we keep getting turned down everywhere we look. I just got official word yesterday from another agency that we don't qualify because my husband is four months too old.
I'm scared. This is not how I envisioned my life. I'm afraid of what the future holds for us.
18 comments:
Riley, those thoughts are so profound and I understand. If we plan for these really big, life-altering events and they don't happen, it seems like we have to somehow reinvent ourselves. And planning for children can be a really big chunk to have to reinvent. I am, as always, wishing and wishing and wishing that you'll find success this time - at last.
Oh Riley, I know that feeling and it is awful. I wish I had words to make it better.
Just thinking of you and hoping it works out this time. Big virtual hug.
I'm taking deep breaths for you and hoping you'll join in.
One day at a time, one moment at a time, one second at a time, one breath at a time.
It's okay to feel scared, and think all the thoughts you're thinking. Hell, it would be crazy if you weren't.
Know that we are all here for you, hoping, wishing, praying that this is it for you. I've been following you since last summer and I want this for you so so badly I can barely stand it.
Keep breathing, eating well, getting lots of rest, and the universe had just better get it right this time or it's in big trouble.
((Hugs))
Love,
Maddy
I am so sorry for all this difficult time you are having. I hope and pray that this is IT for you, and that you get your baby this time.
I wish I knew soothing words, but I don't. Therefore, I can only send you big hugs. Stay strong.
I know you are scared, and it's okay to have this feeling.
I will be here holding your virtual hand no matter what the outcome.
Sending all of my my hopeful wishes that you have a positive result. If find it's hard to be positive all the time. I went back and forth in my recent 2ww(BFN) between being hopeful that it would work, being sure it wasn't going to work and kicking myself for being 'negative.' The worst was the beating up on myself for not feeling they way I "should." I kept thinking I 'should' be positive or I'd ruin it. But feelings are feelings and I think 'should' should be banned!! Hang in there and don't beat yourself up for feeling down about things. (btw, have been reading your blog for a while but am first time commenting)
That dreaded hope thing - just when we think it's all under control. But without it there isn't much point, eh? I am hoping for you so much - these three little guys are hearty stock to survive a thaw, and even the most perfect embies can be flawed in ways they don't know about. So hope for the best - why not? And if you have to regroup, you can do that too.
Thinking of you now. Take care.
The "what if" questions are always the most difficult because there are never any answers, much less easy ones. I hope you never have to find those answers, that this FET will work. But no matter what, you will be okay. You will thrive. But for now, don't throw in the towel. Try - even if you have to fake it - to be and feel positive for those little embies. We'll all be here, no matter what.
Hi Riley,
I've been reading your blog for awhile but never commented. I just wanted to wish you luck and let you know that I'm hoping for the best. Also, I know you've mentioned adoption a few times before but I'm not sure if you are looking at domestic programs only or if you have considered international adoption? My husband and I have been researching international adoption and because we are Taiwanese have looked into the Taiwan program. It is a small program but seems to be getting more popular because it is relatively "easy" and "quick" compared to other programs...it seems like most of the children are healthy infants (I think it's similar to the US in that the birth mother chooses the family) and the maximum age is 47yo so your husband would still be eligible. Ethiopia seems to be another popular program for similar reasons and the max age is 49yo. Just thought I'd throw it out there in case you haven't looked into international programs yet. I really hope this works out for you though and you don't have to think about all that anymore.
- Joyce
Oh hon, I'm so sorry for this fearful time. I hate the end of the 2WW it is just so damned scary. I am hoping with all hope that this is the one, the one you've been waiting for, the one you've been renovating for, the ONE.
I am sorry about the adoption agencies too--that is awful. How old is your DH (if you don't mind me asking...)
I am hoping for super great news for you very very soon!
Oh Riley, I am sorry this is so freaking scary. I really do think the stress of IF (particularly failed treatments) is like the stress a patient with cancer probably feels. It really is life altering whether you are ready for it or not. And like cancer, the patient has very little control over it.
Just know that I am thinking of you. Take care.
Riley I wish I had some comforting words. I know how you feel. I felt the same way during my last IVF. Life will go on and we will get through this no matter what happens. Try not to worry and stress about this too much. It's out of your hands and you've done all that you possibly could. No guilt, no regrets.
Your house can become anything that you want it to be. Fill it up with things that make you happy. Go ahead and be selfish, you deserve it. Or sell it and move to a place that you feel more comfortable. Whatever happens, love your husband. You two didn't get married just for children. You wanted to spend the rest of your lives together. Make each other happy and enjoy life's journey not alone but together.
Foster parenting, girl!
Think about it...a kid whom nobody loves, and you waiting to love a child. Maybe it won't be a tiny baby, and maybe the child will have problems of his or her own (as any child would at some point, being a human being and all), but you are a compassionate person who can empathize with suffering. Anyway, you can't pick what kind of personality a birth child would have, any more than you can control what a foster child's personality would be. You have a lot of love and caring to offer a foster child who has been seriously deprived of the kind of love, space, and security you can give.
Riley, wanted to stop by again with some good wishes for your upcoming beta.
Listen, this cycle's likely a bust for me and, frankly, that's enough bad luck in the DE world. If I gotta lose this time, fine - but then everyone else should win.
There! :)
I can totally understand your fear, and it's so hard to remain positive after so much disappointment. I hope this works for you, but God forbid if it doesn't, I hope you will find anwsers of what to do next, and where your life will lead you.
For now, I'm praying you see a BFP soon!
Have you tried DHEA hormone? My friend has been trying for 5 years, since age 36, with Clomid, IVF etc. and recently her new doctor had her on DHEA and she became pregnant right away! She is now 41 yrs, all is looking very good at 4 months pregnancy. Apparently DHEA somehow finds your last "good" eggs! Ask your doctor about it.
All the best, Jan.
p.s. her prior doctor did not want to give DHEA because one of her patients had developed boils on it - however, my friend's new doctor said if you see any symptoms (like some hairs on your chin!), just tell him and you stop taking it. My friend did not have any problem with it at all.
It makes me crazy when people say "Just adopt!" as though it were so easy and then there are people such are you and your DH who get turned down for being FOUR MONTHS outside of some arbitrary age barrier.
(hug)
I'm thinking good thoughts for you. I can't imagine what you are going through because every pain is personal but I truly hope you get some good news soon, you certainly deserve it.
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