Quick Update

I've been trying hard not to focus on IF-related issues too much since our last failed attempt back in March. Since then, I've had good days and bad days. One good thing was that I finally lost the extra 15 pounds that attached themselves to my body as a result of all the IVF meds. It was amazing that as soon as all those hormones were out of my system, I very easily went back to my pre-IVF weight. Another thing that I've found is that as time has gone by, the pain and disappointment of not being able to create a family with my husband has lessened - slightly - it will never go completely away, but the overwhelming sadness and despair has eased. I do still have moments - such as when another of my good friends just told me she was pregnant after only trying for a few months - when I get completely knocked down, but I'm finding it easier to recover and pick myself back up. I also have moments when I've read blogs from people who have recently given birth and are completely sleep-deprived, overwhelmed and miserable and I start to question if that is even something that I want to deal with at this point in my life. I mean, I am going to be 40 this year. Right now, I would love to have a three or four-year-old. Even an eight or ten-year-old would be awesome. A baby - I just don't know if I have the energy. Sad to say, but true.

So, what's next for us? I almost can't believe that I'm going to say this, but we are giving it one more try and then that's it. And I really do mean it this time. I'm done. I'm not even certain I want to go through with this cycle, but we are going to move forward with very little expectations of anything working. I just need to do this one more time so I have no regrets and I know that I did everything that I could. If it doesn't work this time, I'm comfortable walking away.

The plan - we finally changed doctors. I know - it was about time! We returned to the clinic where I did my very first cycle back in early 2008. This clinic is so much better than my last one. Anyway, they just began offering an embryo adoption program. The timing was perfect - we are number three on the list. They have been open since 2006, so that means they have four years of potential embryos sitting in storage from couples who have hopefully had success and have completed their families. I'm going in for a saline ultrasound and mock transfer next week. Then I'll get all my labs done. The nurse said she thought she should have something lined up for us by October, which is perfect since we are traveling for two weeks in Sept. So, we'll see what happens.

I'm really hesitant to open this door again. I'm finally feeling pretty good emotionally and it's really scary to head down this path again. I don't want to get my hopes up just to be completely crushed again. I'm hoping if it doesn't work that I can easily get back to where I am now.