We met with the embryo adoption coordinator today to select our embryos. She had two couples for us to choose from. One had similar coloring to me and my husband - the other wasn't even close (we both have dark hair, medium complexions and the other couple was blonde and red-headed with freckles, fair skin). Also, the one with the similar coloring had better quality embryos, so that's the one we chose. However, we did have a moment of hesitation, a moment where we thought about how much it sucks that the two of us can't create a baby ourselves - one that will share our characteristics. My husband and I are both tall. The couple whose embryos we are choosing are both very short - like 5'1" short for the woman. The man is only 5'7". I know in the scheme of things it's not that important, but it did give us pause and led to some doubts about moving forward with all this. But then after talking it through and discussing our other options and admitting that if we were adopting a baby, that we wouldn't be worried about the parents' heights, we decided to accept these embryos and just be thankful that this couple is willing to donate them to us. We are thankful, but it still doesn't mean that we aren't sad that we can't do this on our own. It sucks. It just does.
So the plan is to enjoy the holidays, go have an incredibly fabulous time on our sailing trip and then get started when we get back. We're probably looking at a February transfer. That works for me. I did the whole transfer over the holidays before, and it's no fun at all. I think this way will be much better.
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8 comments:
I'm glad you're through with all the decision-making, because I truly believe that's the worst of it, and while I agree that it's sad - in a way - knowing that my son will not resemble me (DE) I can honestly and without reservation say that if someone offered me the chance right now to have a do-over, and somehow find a kid in my arms who had my own gametes instead of this little man, I'd run far & fast, clutching my Henry in my arms. Because he is MINE and I love him head to toe, more than anything or anyone I could ever imagine loving in my life.
Your baby will be just that - YOUR baby, and while you might feel nostalgic for the idea - gosh wouldn't it have been nice to not have to go through all the crap we IF types have to go through in order to experience that? - I have so much hope that this is the beginning of the happiest time in your life.
I hope you enjoy your holidays & your sailing trip & wish you all the best success with your transfer in 2011.
Thinking of you and wishing you luck.
And just a thought: research on epigenetics is beginning to show that the carrier has a enormous influence.
Here's my anecdote (sample size of one, so take it for what it's worth). My son (whose genetic parents are very short) was born via a gestational carrier who was very tall.
At almost two, my son is in the 95th percentile for height and is predicted to have an adult height of around 6'1" -- much taller than anyone else in the family.
I'm sure that it's the influence of the gestational carrier, who, although, not genetically related to him, carried him for 9 months.
I'm on the verge of re-thinking embryo adoption myself.
About two years ago I was on the top of the list at a clinic I cycled at. I was given a set of embryos that were perfect for me. The girl looked so much like me. I had an emotional freak out over the entire idea that I wouldn't have a child of my own and then I gave them back. I felt so torn up over it all. I look back at it and think, "Crap, what did I do? I should have kept them, just in case." Damned hindsight.
I know how hard it is to move onto donor embryo. I couldn't do it. My hat's off to you for making the move that I couldn't do. But in case you didn't know, there are a bunch of clinics out there with donor embryo programs ... and since you only had two sets of embryos to choose from, you might decide, between now and transfer, that you want to try to see if there might be a couple out there that is more like you and your hubby.
I stumbled across a list that you might want to peruse in case you want to keep looking while you bide your time between now and February:
http://www.embryoadoption.org/clinics/clinic_donation_programs.cfm
I hope this isn't perceived as an ill-served comment - or assvice - I hope that you know this is my way of trying to support your decision with knowledge, which I think is one of the most powerful things we can give we can give each other, besides shoulders and understanding.
I hope that the two of you have a fabulous vacation on your sailing trip and come home with tans we'll all be envious of. :-)
Riley, so glad things are coming together for you! Best wishes in the upcoming weeks -
I know the sadness you are experiencing in not having a child with you & DH's genes...we did Donor egg. But know what? I love them with all my heart and I wouldn't love them any more if they had my genes. I wish you much luck on your next cycle and I'll stay tuned. Enjoy your holidays! xxoo
I am glad you have another chance to carry a child and parent.
For me, looking like me and carrying my genes are two different things. People sometimes say my girls look like me but even if they were my spitting image it just isn't the same. I wanted my very DNA to be their DNA. But it is what it is and I couldn't imagine loving them more. You grieve the loss of your genetic continuance and connection and you parent and love.
That said, a recent article on epigenetics found that stature had a greater association with the carrier than with the genetic contributor.
Most of all, best of luck to you.
I just wanted to let you know I've been thinking of you. I hope your trip is fabulous!!!
I have been following your blog for a while and not sure if I have commented before or not. I appreciate you sharing your experiences. To honor you I am sharing a blog award (you can see it on my blog when you get a chance). Thank you again for putting your self out there and making me feel less alone with my IF struggles this past year.
I adopted 3 children after turning 40, one internationally and two domestically. I know that rejection hurts (and domestic adoption is like job hunting -- lots of rejection). But you might want to contact Betty Smith at Little Bit of Heaven Adoption Referral. I think she might have options for you.
Kathy W
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