My Heart is Completely Broken - I Miss My Buddy

I doubt anyone out there still even reads my blog since I no longer post or comment, although I am still a lurker. After 5 failures with IVF, donor egg, FET - I just couldn't do it anymore. There was nothing left to say, so I quit posting. I do have one quick update - I'm getting ready to do a FET with donor embryos next week, but that's not why I'm posting today.

I'm writing today because I need to talk about my sweet kitty baby Buddy who we had to put down on Valentine's Day. Even if no one is reading, I just need to talk about her. I loved her so incredibly much and I can't believe she is gone. It hurts more than I ever thought possible and I just don't know how I'm going to get over this. The truth is, I don't want to get over it. I don't want to feel better. I just want my Buddy back. She was my baby. My only baby. Why did she have to be taken away from me. I mean if I can't have a real baby, can't I at least keep by sweet baby kitty? This is killing me.

Buddy was only 8 years old - way too young to die. I was not expecting this at all. I thought she'd have at least another 5,6,8 years in her. I never expected her to be taken from me at such a young age.

I got Buddy from the animal shelter when she was just a kitten. They told me she was a male, that's why I named her Buddy. I later found out she was a female but decided to just call her my Buddy Girl - my Bud-Bud. Buddy was with me before I met my husband, she moved with me into his house and then into our new home after the wedding. The sad thing is no one but me and my husband really knew Buddy. She was scared of everybody and always hid when we had guests over so no one understands how wonderful, sweet and loving she was and how this has completely broken my heart.

Buddy loved her mommy, though. As long as no one else was in the house, she would follow me around like a puppy dog. She would greet me at the door when I came home from work, she'd be by my side as I cooked and we ate dinner, she would sit next to me on the desk while I worked on the computer, she slept with me every night and every morning she'd be with me in the bathroom as I got ready for work. She also joined me for my nightly bubble baths - she would sit on the side of the tub and lick up any water that landed on the edges. I loved that cat more than you can imagine. Especially since I don't have a baby of my own. Buddy was MY baby.

When I got married, Buddy was afraid of my husband and would often run out of the room when he entered. It was just recently within the past 6 months to a year that she had finally gotten over that and was starting to hang out with us both more and be a real member of the family. I just hate that she had to die so soon after finally being completely comfortable with my husband.

This all happened so suddenly that I was not at all prepared for it and I'm having such a hard time accepting that she is gone. My husband and I went on our sailing trip in mid-January and when we got home, I noticed that she had lost a ton of weight. I had a pet sitter taking care of her, so I thought maybe she just missed us because she started eating again when we got home. I would sit with her when I fed her to make sure. Since she seemed to be eating and seemed to be feeling well, I didn't take her to the vet. I thought she was fine. I even went out and bought her some special food to help fatten her back up. I thought I was doing the right thing. But then just a couple of weeks later - this past Sunday - I noticed that she was really sluggish and not eating her special treats, so at that point, I knew I needed to take her to the vet. She was still under weight, so I knew something was wrong.

Monday morning, I went up to feed her and she ate a few bites and then just lay down next to her bowl. I immediately called the vet and took her in. He examined her and said she had an extremely large mass/tumor in her belly and there was nothing that we could do to save her. He mentioned surgery but said he didn't think Buddy would be strong enough to survive and that most likely it wouldn't save her at this point. I told him I didn't want to leave her - I wasn't ready to say goodbye, so he gave her a few shots to make her feel better, thinking she'd be ok for a few days or weeks and I took her home. When we got home, she threw up and just lay on the floor. I picked her up and took her to my bed and we laid together all afternoon. I rubbed her and loved her and told her how much she meant to me. She actually purred some and ate some of her treats. I am so glad I got that time with her. I am certain that she knew how much I loved her. My husband came home and really wanted to fight for her. He wanted to try surgery, saying what did we have to lose, so we were going to schedule the surgery for the next morning, but later that day, she just went downhill. She tried to walk, but she couldn't stand and then she let out a few yowls and her breathing got labored. We knew what we had to do. I did not want my sweet baby to suffer, so we took her back to the vet and I got to hold her and kiss her and tell her everything was going to be OK as they gave her the shot to put her to sleep before putting her down.

That was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. I don't know that I will ever get over this. I'm at peace knowing that I was there for her and helped her leave this world surrounded by my love and in peace. I did not want my baby to suffer, but I am suffering so much now.

I can't believe how much losing Buddy is affecting me, but it is so terrible. I have lost all enthusiasm for this FET cycle. I just want my baby back. I can't stop crying, my appetite has completely disappeared and I'm at a complete loss. I miss my baby so much it is killing me.

To make matters even worse, we have another cat Charlie. I had Buddy first and got Charlie later. I love Charlie but he doesn't have my heart like Buddy does - I think partly because he never seemed to like Buddy. The two of them were not close, although, Buddy would always try to go lick him every morning until he nudged her away. I didn't think Charlie would be affected much by her loss, but he keeps looking for her and it is breaking my heart. He won't stop roaming the house and every time he hears a sound, he thinks it's her. It is so incredibly sad. I don't know what to do.