Lastchanceivf left a helpful suggestion on a recent blog post of mine which led me to her blog - which is fabulous, by the way. I wish I had discovered it earlier. She is a wonderful, thoughtful writer despite all the crap she and her husband have had to deal with and are still dealing with - so, thanks Lastchanceivf for sharing your story and your thoughts with us. Anyway, as I was reading some of her older posts, I came across the one where she talks about having a woman with twins join her on the elevator and how she was not able to gush over them or make a big deal about how cute they were. Then she went on to tell us about her husband's response which was basically that taking advantage of the opportunity to hold and coo over other people's babies may be the only chance we get to do that in our lives. When I read his comment, the tears started flowing, because he is so right. It's a hard reality to face, but as this FET will most likely be our last attempt or close to it, it is time to start facing reality and to take a good look at myself - who I've become, and who I want to be.
I, myself, am unable or unwilling to gush over others' babies. Instead, I ignore the fact that they are pregnant, avoid friends with kids and don't celebrate the birth a couple's baby who once were close to me and my husband. Take, for example, my co-worker who I've bitched and complained about on here for being pregnant and talking about it all the time. After I snapped at her, she no longer comes into my office - which, I've appreciated, but it also kindof makes me sad. I mean we used to be friends. We used to talk daily - that is until she got pregnant, and I turned into a bitch. I know I've been trying to protect myself, but it really is selfish of me to not be willing to celebrate in her joy. I don't ask her about her pregnancy, I didn't attend her shower, I've basically ignored her for months.
Then there is this couple who my husband and I met two summers ago and really enjoyed spending time with. They announced their pregnancy right as we found out that our first DE cycle did not work. They had no idea, but after that, I pretty much shut down that friendship. They still reach out to us and are trying to be friends, but I'm having nothing to do with it. Their daughter was born Christmas day, and we've yet to go visit, send a gift or do anything.
Add this to all the friends I quit being friends with because they have kids, and it's really sad. How did I become this isolated, selfish bitch? I really do hate who I've become. I'm ready to change. If we do somehow get lucky and manage to get pregnant with this FET, who is going to be around for us after we've alienated all our friends? Why would anyone celebrate our pregnancy when I refused to acknowledge theirs?
And like Lastchanceivf's husband pointed out - what if we never have kids, and I miss out on the only chances I have to ever be around babies and kids by isolating myself from friends and their kids and ignoring others I see in public? What a sad life. What a sad life I'm living. It makes me sick. It's time for a change.
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7 comments:
IF sucks. You have had such a hard set of experiences, it is no wonder you want to protect yourself. But I think you (and Last Chance) are so right; isolation isn't good for us. I have noticed this in myself and it isn't something I'm proud of. Of course I have SECONDARY IF, which doesn't even compare and I hope you don't think I'm equating our experiences. But thanks for your post - I'm going to go out and coo over the babies I've been ignoring, even if it hurts me.
Wow, your post really opened my eyes to my own behavior. Granted, I don't know as many people with babies, but still. I have knitted so many baby gifts over the years for friends near and far. My heart keeps asking, "When me?"
How has IF changed us? Oh, in so, so many ways.
At the same time, don't be so hard on yourself about protecting yourself. It's perfectly normal.
Such a brilliant post. I am sorry. It is so important to self-reflect and it is incredible that you can do so with such honesty. If your friends are really good friends and you reached out to them and had a heart to heart I am certain they would understand. IF is so difficult, it can be earth shattering, it is ok to be selfish and take care of yourself. I wish you the very best and I thank you for your post. It will help me to do a little self reflecting and stop ignoring the pregnant women in my life.
Peace~
I remember her post. I also wrote a post about not liking the "new" me and wondering how to get the old one back--still haven't figured that out. For me, IF has drawn a line in the sand and everyone else IRL is on the other side of the line. And find myself not relating to the friends I had in my "old" life. IF is so consuming, much like I think cancer would be, that it's hard for me to pretend to be normal around fertiles, so my way of dealing with that is isolating myself. Which I've thus far been able to justify (to myself)...so far. Eventually though I will have to deal, but for now ignoring is serving me well. So, I think your feelings are pefectly normal. I hope you are able to make the changes you feel are best for you.
Take care.
Hey Riley,
Tough to read because you are so honest, but a great post. You're right: this road (mine is nearly identical to yours, tons of failure DE, the whole shabang)makes us ugly. I've tuned out entirely. I've got two people in life at this point: my DH and my mom... and while it's sad, it's the reality of this situation. So what am I saying to you? Three words: don't sweat it. You've been viciously attacked by IF. You and I are not those fun-loving folks we used to be. A fellow IF sister once told me that IF is actually worse than cancer, because at least cancer has an end in sight. I was paralyzed by her words until I thought deeply about them. SHe's right; IF is the gift that keeps on giving. Year after year. And it wears one done. Stop berating yourself. You have earned the right to tune out. And when you wish to tune back in, you will. And those if those "friends" really are true, they will understand 110% why you've had to be distant. Who the fuck could blame us?
I'm probably not helping here, but I wanted to support you. Take care of yourself first.
I love my husband, honestly and truly, but sometimes his truthfulness hurts. I'm trying to do better, to enjoy the now, to enjoy the cute babies, but I still say sometimes we have to protect ourselves.
I am wishing you nothing but the best on this upcoming FET--you have certainly been.through.enough.
This bitter, infertile woman thinks you are being too hard on yourself.
I applaud your efforts to be more open to other people's joys and to experience the good of being around babies and kids even if they belong to someone else. I think it is a good, long term goal.
I also think it is hard and sometimes it is ok, imho, to protect yourself.
I have lost a few friendships along the way and there are moments perhaps I should have embraced when I could, but I still have no regrets. Of course having a kid probably makes it easier to draw a line and say "that was then, this is now". But I can still look back and realize I was very much in survival mode.
And if I won't forgive the 'friend' who never acknowledged my third lost baby (second miscarriage) but managed to remember to send me a birth announcement with picture a few months later . . . well, so be it. I know better people.
I think you are doing ok and I hope like hell you will be a mom someday. In the meantime, I encourage you on your path to change your life for the better either way. I also encourage you to be gentle with yourself.
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