I'm still struggling, but I'm working on trying to be positive. I've been feeling like I'm on the verge of tears constantly, but coming back to work today seems to have helped. Even though I do hate my job, at least I'm more distracted than I was over the holidays.
So, it's time to quit focusing on the sadness and to start focusing on me again - I mean it's a new year - a new decade - it's time to start living again. I feel like I've lost myself to the infertility devil - she has taken my soul, my self, my being and I want her back. Ever since I've gotten married, I feel like I've lost a small part of myself - I think that's, in part, because we started this TTC journey shortly afterward and that has dominated my life for the past three years.
While I'm not completely giving up yet - we are still going to do the FET, then if needed, possibly embryo adoption and then that may be it - or we may pursue adoption or we may do something else. Who knows. I have days where I'm so ready to throw in the towel and give up and then there are others where I can't imagine giving up. We'll see. But, regardless, I want to knock the IF devil-bitch off of center stage and push her back to a smaller side stage. I'm ready to find myself again. Start living my life, focusing on the things I enjoy. Before I got married, I used to take all sorts of classes and lessons and take part in a wide array of activities. I had a large group of friends. Somewhere along the way, I've lost all that.
So my goal/resolution for 2010 is to take the time to sit down and think about what I really want to be doing with my life. It's time to start reconnecting with friends, time to start that job search - who cares if I may get pregnant or not - time to take that photography class, time to find ways to get involved in my community - to volunteer, time to go out dancing, running or sailing - time to live my life again. I'm actually looking forward to it - and if I somehow manage to get pregnant along the way, then I'll have to adjust my plans but I am SO TIRED of not making plans because - well, I might be pregnant then.
9 comments:
I agree. It's time to take back our old selves and reclaim life again. We deserve it.
I'm with you - it sure sounds like you're in a healthy place with this "resolution", and I'm hoping you have to rearrange ALL SORTS of plans very soon now, because really? That doesn't sound horrible...
run....run like the wind!!! go find your old self and have fun.....you deserve it!!!
I can so relate, why do I put things off? Plans can always be rearranged, right? Yet I keep thinking I'd better not do things because I *might* be pregnant! Grrrr. Hopefully we will both have to rearrange everything soon, but in the meantime, carpe diem!
Yeah, carpe diem! I'm glad to see you're making plans and thinking toward the future. Take care of yourself, be good to yourself and I'll keep my fingers crossed that fate sees fit to fulfill your dreams.
I am with you 100%! I feel exactly the same! Before I made the decision to start TTC I spoke about how rich my life was without children, how much I loved my life. But for the past year I have been obssessing about my elusive goal of making a baby.
Good luck, I look forward to supporting my IF sisters in focusing on everything else life has to offer!
I hear you! It is the devil and it takes over everything. Good for you for taking back your life!
I'm glad your taking your life back again. I wish you a very happy 2010 where miracles do happen.
I feel the same way. We've been trying since May 09 and I haven't even got my hair colored because...oh I might need that money or oh...I will have roots. (yeah yeah I know it's fine to color hair but I want to be extra careful) We have even skipped badly needed vacations so that if I do get pregnant I have enough leave... URghhh
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