I'm trying very hard to be positive, to quit dwelling on the negative and to get on with my life - to get busy living again. But, I must confess, it's been hard. I feel like I have a mild case of depression and I'm having a hard time shaking it. I don't think I need to take medication or anything, I'm just tired and unmotivated. The freezing cold weather and lack of sunshine may have something to do with it, too. I'm definitely one of those people who feel happy and energized on a beautiful, sunny day and slow and lethargic when it's cold and gray out. To help, I've been trying to eat more fruits and vegetables, exercise more, take my vitamins and read more positive, uplifting blogs and articles. For a while now, I've spent all my free time reading IF blogs and looking up IF issues on the internet. It's all I think about all day, everyday - and to tell the truth, I think that's enough to make any sane woman depressed.
Plus, now it seems like every single person I follow is pregnant - there may only be three of us left who are not. And, believe me - I am overjoyed for my IF sisters who have finally found success! I think it's fabulous and it gives me joy and hope - so congratulations to everyone! But having said that, it's hard to continue reading these updates every day as they pop up on my reader with great news of betas doubling and heartbeats when I can't even seem to get out of the starting gates. In the past, reading these blogs have been a source of comfort, now ....well, not so much, so I'm trying hard to break my habit of checking for updates every few hours and I'm trying to stay away more, so if you don't see or hear from me for a while, please know that I am so, so happy for you all and I do still check in for updates, but I'm trying to take a step back until I'm in a better place.
And it's not just in blogging land - the pregnancies are everywhere in my life - everywhere I turn. I can't escape. At home - I log onto FB or check my e-mail and good friends of ours are sending us photos of their baby who was born around Christmas. Then I come to work, and three people - no lie - approached me yesterday about planning a baby shower for my annoying co-worker. I think I may have offended several of them when I told them that I have no interest in baby showers, but they should feel free to plan one without me. So, to escape, I got to my favorite spin class at the gym only to overhear one of the women in my class tell the instructor that she is 20 weeks pregnant. I really can't handle this.
The part that really sucks is that there appears to be nothing wrong with me - no reason why I shouldn't be getting pregnant - other than the fact that after three years of trying, I'm fairly old now and my husband's sperm is shit. But we used DE and DS to get around that and it STILL did not work. I had a saline sonogram thingy the other day and my uterus looked beautiful - no polyps, no fibroids, no nothing. I have a regular cycle, I ovulate, I produce a nice thick lining. There is no reason why I shouldn't be able to get pregnant - that we know of. It sucks.
My doctor told me that he thinks the FET is going to work. I know he was trying to be positive, but I'm a realist these days. I know the odds, so I'm not getting my hopes up. Yes, I know it can and does work for some - and maybe I'll get lucky this time, but if it didn't work with two fresh, perfect, hatching blasts, why should I think an FET will work? He is adding more steroids to my protocol to try to help with any implantation issues, so we'll see. I'm also going to add acupuncture back in. I quit going because I felt like it was just one more way to throw our money away, but I'm going to do it for the FET cycle. Hopefully, this will work. If it doesn't, we are quickly running out of options.
I've been researching adoption and have signed up for some information sessions, but my heart isn't into it. Plus, we don't even qualify for most programs due to hubby's age. It's all so frustrating and depressing.
So, that's it for now. I may update as we get closer to the FET - we'll see. In the meantime, know that I'm thinking of you all and wishing you all the best in your journeys!
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12 comments:
I am thinking of you daily, and hoping - oh, so much hoping - that this FET is the one for you. Please do look into the immune issues. My doc is being much more aggressive treating my borderline immune issues this time around, and I really think it might be the key to why we've had such abysmally bad luck.
I hear you from one perfect specimen to another. Sometimes unexplained really is.
I will always be thinking about you. Please check in when you can. I am going to try to blog my way out of depression, we'll see if it works.
xo
Your post really struck a cord with me. I'm not sure if I'm on your blog list or not, but add me to the list of NOT pregnant women. I admit to not reading blogs once the person gets pregnant. I carry some guilt about that. Of course I am happy for them and hope things go well for them,etc, but it really is tough to read about how wonderful things are when treatments work. It makes what I don't have feel much more acute, kwim? It's the thing that divides us I guess, much like my RL friends.
I second what Sprog said about immune testing at a reproductive immunology lab. Maybe your doctor would consider treating you with lovenox or heparin and intralipids for your FET?
Just know that I am thinking of you. Take care.
I'm sorry to hear you are still feeling shitty, but I totally get it, because I am SO not pregnant either, and just as old as you (I'm closer to 40 than to 39 at this point, which I find just terrifying).
I say this -- step away from the IF stuff. See movies, read fiction, lose yourself in something that has nothing to do with IF at all. And exercise, even if it's just a long cold walk. You know all of this, of course, but it's the only way I've managed to stay out of the fetal position the last few weeks.
I'm with heather -- make sure any implantation issues are being fully addressed.
I know it's hard to stay positive right now, but just try to remember that the darkest part of night is right before dawn.
I wanted to delurk and say that I am so sorry to hear about what you have/are going through. I too am reaching the 3 year mark of TTC in February this year. I really hope that your dr is right and the FET will be your magical cycle.
Hey, I so get the guilty depression that comes when my friends get pregnant - I am happy for them but WHY NOT ME?? I know many people who have gotten pg with an FET cycle, although I know the odds aren't quite as good. But your body won't be as riddled with drugs, so hopefully that will make this cycle work for you!
Riley, as far as I'm concerned, you will never owe me an explanation or apology for not reading my blog or commenting. I completely understand that for your own emotional self-preservation, you need to try to avoid the pregnancy chatter. I am so, so sorry you are in this position. Since everything seems to be fine with you, could it be your doctor (technique, maybe)?
Please just take care of yourself. Take a vacation to a sunny place, if you can. Get away from that pregnant co-worker and DEFINITELY call in sick on her baby shower day.
I will definitly check in on your blog, but please know that I don't expect you to go anywhere near mine. Love and hugs.
Sigh. It's not easy. I'm hoping with everything I've got that you get some happy news of your own soon.
And not to be all optimistic or anything, but I've heard that, in the last couple of years, the percentage of successful FETs has been going up and that in some clinics, it's not that different from the rate for fresh cycles.
(just ignore the above, if you're not in the mood for optimism)
Hi, I'm new to your site. I have been desperately searching for unpregnant IF blogs and am coming across some difficulty. I am truly happy for those who have gotten pregnant. Most all of them have been in this position and they deserve happiness after their pain. I enjoy seeing the successes because it gives me hope. But it can also be overwhelming at times. There is a blog called "The Road Less Traveled". If you get a chance, read her New Years and 1/8 posts. They moved me to tears and in a way it helped even though I'm not exactly at that point. Perhaps I'm in denial.
T
I can completely relate to what your saying. I'm in almost the same situation. I'm almost 39, we've been trying for 10 years now, and I'll be doing a FET next month. I don't really feel very hopeful, mildly depressed and close to giving up. Even my dr is hesitant to sound too positive. I'll be trying intralipid therapy with my FET, as my problem can now only be embryo quality or immune issues.
All the best for your upcoming FET, I hope for your sake that it will work.
I understand. I was left behind in so many groups. If you need to avoid reading pg blogs, then I think you should do just that.
I hope your FET works. I can understand not feeling very hopeful. After switching to DS/DE it would seem that it was a sure thing. I know I felt that way - my clinic had an 80% success rate with DE but for all the world it felt like 100%.
Of course, 20% is no small number and you could have just been unlucky.
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