Overall, we've had a nice Christmas. I've been trying very hard to enjoy the season and my time with family and friends. We enjoyed spending time with all my nieces and family members, but it was still hard. Moments would just pop up where it is so obvious that Christmas is all about family and children and I would feel so sad, left out and alone. Hubby said he had those moments, too. While we both tried to put smiles on our faces and make the best of it, it was truly hard and it still hurts and I just can't seem to shake the depression that is slowly filling me up.
I can't believe how quickly another year has come and gone. January will mark our third anniversary of TTC. I remember three years ago, when we first decided to try and got pregnant on our first try - just like everyone else it seemed. That was until the bleeding started several days later. That was my first and last positive pregnancy test. I still don't understand why that happened and why it never happened again. Now, 3 attempted IVFs, 1 DE cycle and 1 DE/DS cycle later where we transferred two of the most perfect hatching blasts and we are still no closer to being pregnant that we were three years ago. I just don't know what to do.
This is a journey and we've learned a lot along the way, but I so wish we could have known that none of this was going to work. I wish we could have known that it would be best to put our time, energy and money into adoption. My stepbrother and his wife took that route when we chose IVF. Their daughter was born in March -she was walking at Christmas, smiling, laughing, holding her arms out to be held by her mommy - it nearly broke my heart.
We are still planning on moving forward with the FET but if two perfect hatching blasts didn't not result in a pregnancy, what are the chances that a FET will? I really have no hope. The only other option we have after that is embryo adoption and once again that's a FET with really low odds of success.
I don't know what 2010 holds for me. Right now, it's not looking good, but I know that I need to somehow find something good and positive to focus on, some way to change my life for the better, because I can't keep living like I did in 2009 and I certainly don't want to continue feeling the way I do right now. It's time for a change.
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10 comments:
Don't give up hope! There have been several in blogland find success via FET when a fresh IVF didn't work. Sometimes the meds for IVF can screw the body up more (and is definitely more traumatic) than those used in a frozen cycle.
Still keeping my fingers crossed for you!
Hugs,
Jo
I'm so sorry, Riley. So many "what ifs" and no real answers. I agree with Jo, though, don't give up hope. I am proof of a first time embryo donation FET success story. My baby boy was frozen for 5 years to boot! It can work. Get yourself thoroughly checked out, choose your clinic carefully. And I'll be praying for your miracle.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. The holidays are agonizing.
I know it's nearly impossible to have hope for your upcoming FET after all you've been through but there is still hope to be had.
Wishing you nothing but the best--2010 has got to be a better year for all of us.
I wish I could offer you a crystal ball. The unknown is so scary to me too. I often wonder if I am throwing good money after bad in this.
I'm praying that 2010 is a better year for both of us. Take care.
I'm so sorry, and yeah, 2009 sucked ass. Here's hoping that the new year brings better things for us all (and please don't give up hope on your FET. Despite the bad outcome of my last cycle, I got pregnant with a healthier baby than I'd managed previously. IVF is really really hard on your body, and can actually make it inhospitable to embryos. FETs are much easier on you and on the little ones. And these days, the success rates are creeping up to match IVF. I'm hoping that your little frozens are going to be excited to thaw out and settle in. Keeping you in my thoughts.
I'm sorry 2009 was such a terrible year. I hope and pray that 2010 gives you peace and joy.
I'm so sorry, Riley...You've been through so much and it's truly unfair that you are not yet holding a baby in your arms. I am hoping and praying and crossing everything that your FET is a great success. ((Hugs))
Love,
Maddy
Thinking of you across the net with love and hope for a happier 2010!
Good luck with the FET. I know you aren't super hopeful, but I know several pregnant people from FETs - one who had no hope at all and was just "using up" their last frostie before moving on to the "real" cycle! Be nice to yourself during these hard times, it seems like EVERY season is all about family, but there is joy and hope for you too.
You know it took us 6 years from the start of TTC to having LB, 4 of which were pretty intense trying with medical help.
I want to respond to your comment on my post . . . you ARE cut out to be a mother. You absolutely are.
I am also much, much happier than I was while TTC, but I think a different kind of happy than the days before TTC. Then I was probably happier overall, but I have much higher highs now so it probably averages out.
Plus, LB has never been a great sleeper which I think makes things difficult. It is also the way I have chosen to parent and some of that needs to be rethought because I need to spend more times in my other roles.
Now, if I knew before TTC what we would go through and also knew what it was like to parent AND could have turned of that desire to have children then I think it is very possible I would have chosen to live childfree.
But like you said in this post - there is a longing and desire for children that transcends all reason and we have enjoyed Christmas and other holidays in a way we haven't in many, many years. Now that I have LB in my life I would never change it, even after all we went through.
If you are thinking you might give up, I really encourage you to read some childfree after IF blogs if you haven't already. I think it is absolutely a viable option, but I also think it is the hardest because you might be writing a similar post 10 years from now still trying to come to terms with it.
I really believe you will find a way to be a mother - someway, sometime. Maybe, with a little luck, that FET will be the one.
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