Ok - so I thought 40 was supposed to be the birthday that sucked - not 39. Well today's my 39th birthday and I got another BFN this morning - Happy Fucking Birthday to me. I really can't believe this is happening. I called my nurse this morning and left a message to see if I could go ahead and come in for my beta or if I even need to do it at all since I know, without a doubt, that this did not work and I don't want to take any more unnecessary shots and I plan to drink wine with my birthday dinner tonight and soak in a nice warm tub - which absolutely makes nothing better. I'd much rather be abstaining from alcohol tonight. I'd much rather be celebrating the fact that I'm pregnant. But - once again, I'm not. I can't even tell you have upset I am.
I would bet money that if I had tested several days earlier that it would have been positive. I so felt like I did the one and only other time that I had a chemical pregnancy. I had that heaviness in my breasts and the soreness - I never felt that with any of my other IVFs - but those were all with crappy embryos. This was my first with perfect 5-day blasts - it should of worked, and I'm thinking that it started to, but maybe there were issues with implantation.
Thank you all so much for your comments on tests I should consider. For those who asked, no I don't have endo. I don't have any issues that I am aware of other than just being old and then we have male factor issues, so I really thought this would work - using DE and DS- it SHOULD have worked. I wish someone could tell me 100 percent if it was just bad luck - being on the wrong side of the numbers or if there is some type of immune issue that is causing the embryos not to implant. I need to do more research to see if testing will give me those answers.
As far as moving ahead goes - my only options are the FET which I plan to do but I don't want to transfer my last embryos if I have implantation issues. Also, I THINK I'm on the waiting list for embryo adoption - I need to confirm, but I filled out the paperwork in August so I better still be on the list - but same issue there.
We also, for the first time ever, started thinking about the possibility of adoption. My step-brother and his wife recently adopted so I e-mailed them to get a basic idea of how much it cost. I burst into tears when I read her response - around $28,000. There is no way we can afford that right now - not after all the money we've wasted on IVF. We've had to pay everything out of pocket - no insurance coverage at all and we've already spent a fortune. We can't do this. If only we had known two years ago that none of this would work, we could have put our money, time and energy into adoption and have a baby by now. But, now it looks like we are going to have to go through the rest of our lives childless and I just don't know how we are supposed to do that. Why couldn't this have fucking worked - it was our best shot.
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15 comments:
Oh Riley, I am so very sorry. Sitting here with tears running down my face. I can't tell you how sorry I am.
I so wanted this for you, Riley - there are just certain people on one's blogroll that you just feel it is their time, they are due to get pregnant, and you are one of mine. I'm really sorry, and I'm still holding out hope for something good to happen.
Love,
Maddy
I am so sorry for you. You and I are on the same IVF cycle so I was extra interested in your blog. However, I didn't need to poas to find out my cycle didn't work...AF showed up. Again, I am so sorry for you.
Riley, this just sucks. I know I am not exactly speaking from the same place as you, but I am from an unexplained-my-uterus-is-good DE flunkie.
I didn't mention in my comment yesterday, but I had a the clotting and immume tests after all of my miscarriages, and nothing turned up there either, but you should test for those before your FET. I have a list if you want it.
I'm just so pissed for you.
Riley: ((((HUGS)))) to you. I am hoping with tests that you will have some answers for your FET. I also want you to know that not every adoption costs $28,000. You may have read on my blog that we are in an adoption process overseas but truth be told, I'm thinking of changing it to domestic from foster care. I know it is not impossible, I am a clinical social worker whose hospital handles adoptions all the time. Please don't slam the door shut until you've healed and done some fact finding. PM me if you need additional info. I'm hoping you won't need it. After all, vitrified embies seem a bit more robust than fresh. Thinking fo you
I'm so sorry you are hurting this much. I so wish there was something I could do to take even a little bit of the pain away. I just don't know why this road has to be so fucking unfair for some of us.
I waivered a bit before doing IVF because what if it does end up being a complete waste of money (we are OOP too). There are just no easy answers with this stuff, but having a crystal ball sure would help. Please take care.
Riley
not every adoption costs $28K and you get a whopping amount back through taxes and work programs, or so I heard.
Please have the beta.
Sending you hugs.
thank you for your support today.
Eb
Oh, sweetie, I am so, so sorry for your loss. That sucks.
Listen, don't be so hard on yourself. Just because you had perfect blasts from healthy 20-somethings, doesn't mean that if those two had met up in a bar and had a fling that she would have gotten pregnant, either. There are plenty of great stats for FETs, so please, please, please don't give up hope.
That said, the first couple of days/weeks after a BFN suck. It's okay to feel terrible to scream at the heavens and shake your fist.
Just don't be so hard on yourself.
Oh Riley, I am so very sorry that this cycle didn't work for you. It's so unfair - I really thought you were next. I'm so sorry. Sending my love and thoughts and prayers your way. xxoo
I hope this is all wrong and that you do get a positive beta. But I'm hating your clinic, either way, because I don't believe it's you at all!
Yeah, I hate my clinic, too. That was the biggest mistake I ever made - leaving our first clinic for this one - how I so wish I could go back in time. My husband and I regret this decision daily...
I hear your heart breaking from here. I'm so sorry. There doesn't seem to be any logic to your BFN. It should have worked. I know that when my DH and I looked briefly into adoption, I found out that there are some foundations or groups that offer grants in varying amounts to help people defray the cost of adoption. You get extra "points" toward being selected if you have no children. I don't know if that helps, but if you do want to look into adoption, it's worth doing some research.
And please don't be so hard on yourself about what you didn't know 2 years ago. None of us knew the path we would take, whether it would be successful or how hard the journey would be. You couldn't have known. And you would always have wondered.
Thinking of you and hoping you find comfort somehow.
Riley I'm so sorry you are in this crappy place. And it just is even worse to have this happen on your birthday. I am hoping the clinic has some answers for you - although everything could have been perfect and the odds were just against you (I am the queen of beating the odds!)
One of my IF friends is now hugely pg with an FET (only 1 not perfect embie) she was "using up" before going on to the real cycle - so don't discount the FET. Give yourself some time to grieve before you move on to the next step whatever you choose. Thinking of you hon.
First of all, I'm really really sorry for your negative. Having gone through five failed IVFs myself, well, there aren't any words for this crap.
I will say that there is a lot of good research coming out about doing uterine biopsies the month prior to transfer--just for the sake of disrupting the lining and the theory is the healing process creates a better environment for transfer. Yes, we did this on our fifth IVF, but that was the only one we ever had any implantation at all (it ended up being a chemical). Did it make a difference? I don't know (but the research is pretty impressive) but I do know if we had any more money and did this again, I'd repeat those biopsies for sure. We're all out of pocket too, so I feel your pain.
I'm just so so sorry.
I am so sorry. Yes, it should have worked, but even if your clinic has a 80% success rate - that is still a lot of people who don't get pregnant.
I think that there are still many things that are unknown about the causes of infertility and it *might* be something undiagnosable with your carrying ability, but I don't think it is as likely as just plain bad luck.
The problem is you can never know for sure. My RE told me he has seen maybe 2 cases in his life where people should have gotten pregnant but didn't and he has no idea why not.
Hang in there. I wish I could help.
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