The numbness wore off today when I got the donor information in the mail, opened it and burst into tears. I know AF should be arriving any day and I'm probably just overly emotional and also probably more stressed/conflicted over this whole thing than I'm even admitting to myself.
I know it's silly and so doesn't matter, but my favorite feature about me is my eyes - they are a hazel/green color and I often get compliments on them. When I was searching for egg donors, that was one of my main criteria - I wanted someone with green or hazel eyes. My husband has brown eyes, so I picked a brown-eyed sperm donor but I really wanted a green or hazel-eyed egg donor.
However, when I opened up the information sheet today - the donor that is supposedly so perfect for me has brown eyes. I don't know why this got me so upset. I know it's really not that important and even if my husband and I were able to conceive on our own, there is a big chance that our baby would have brown eyes - which would be fine. I guess it's just that I feel like I'm losing out on being able to include the one part of me that I really like in this whole process. Like I have no part in this at all. It sucks - it's bad enough that we are going to have to rely on two twenty-somethings to even have a shot at getting pregnant. Everything about it sucks.
I know I'm not being realistic right now. Hopefully this donor has had a lot of proven success which really is the most important thing. I plan to talk to the nurse to get more details tomorrow. Green/hazel eyes really don't matter, but in other ways, they matter so much.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
I'm so sorry. Everything I can think of to say is trite: "You'll love this baby no matter what color her eyes are." Well, duh. Of course you will. I know that's not the point. The truth is, it sucks that we have to give up so much for this. We even have to give up dreams about this unknown-as-yet person we're already devoting our lives to, and it's hard, learning that something you love about yourself won't get passed on to your child. I'm sorry this is hitting you so hard right now. I hope it gets easier, and I hope she's got super-eggs to make up for the brown eyes. You're in my thoughts.
You have every right to feel this way. Being diagnosed with IF sets off an mourning process I think in that you relinquish reproductive control, but you still have hope of having a biological child through treatments. Not having them work means giving up even more control, so I think what you feel is very normal and real. There really is nothing easy about this process. Every single step has peeled layer off me. I feel like at the end of this there might not be anything left. You are in my thoughts. Take care.
I understand how you are feeling. I'm a green/hazel girl myself, and it was important to retain "something" of me thru the process.
A lot of this process requires that we let go of everything. But that is so hard when you get to the point where we are.
I am thinking of you.
Letting go of a dream can be a long, painful process. Especially when it involves something so personal, so unique, so intimate a part of who we are. Like hazel green eyes. Like curly red hair. Like a lot of things. It's okay to be pissed and mourn the "never will be's." Just know that one day when you hold your baby, you'll be happy with exactly who he/she is.
Post a Comment