I feel completely numb when it comes to this whole IF thing right now. I'm no longer crying and feeling completely depressed, but I'm also not feeling happy and optimistic - at all. I'm really just tired of it all, to tell the truth. I'm bored with IF, with this story that has been my life for nearly three years now. I'm tired of writing about it, I'm tired of talking about it, I'm tired of thinking about it. I'm still reading about it, but don't have the inspiration to comment much anymore - sorry!
I finally got the call from my nurse that the doctor has selected a donor for me. Last time, I was so excited and couldn't wait to get all the details. This time I don't feel a whole lot of anything except skepticism. The nurse claims that the doctor said this donor is perfect for me - right. From my earlier posts, you know how much confidence I have in my doctor. He probably closed his eyes, reached his hand in the file drawer and pulled one out - oh, she's perfect!
It's so funny - when we did our first IVF, I had so much confidence that it would work. No doubts at all. Now, I have almost as much confidence that it won't work - I'm not even bothering to get my hopes up anymore or to start dreaming about how our lives will be with a baby. This will be our fifth attempt at an IVF cycle. The first - BFN, the second -canceled before retrieval, the third - no embryos made it to transfer, the fourth with DE - BFN and, now, round five with DE and donor sperm.
This should be our best chance for success, but I'm not getting my hopes up. I'll go through the drill - one more time and maybe this time, I'll be pleasantly surprised.
6 comments:
I hope you'll be pleasantly surprised, but I know how you feel. It feels like some routine I do, by now. And, as such, is hardly worth worrying about. It's tedious.
Hoping that this donor really IS perfect for you. Thinking of you.
Feeling pretty much the same here.
I wish I could just snap my fingers and know whether my own FET will work (or not).
I wasted so many years on this. I really just want to get to the end (whatever it is) so I can be done.
Hugs to you as you embark on another journey.
I've not been in the commenting mood myself. It's okay to be silent for awhile.
My own confidence level is right where yours is.! I'm not a "lucky" person in general and I seem to have so many complicated issues that I feel like I'm climbing Mt. Everest at times.
I hope you get a well-matched donor. And now that your doctor has been called out on his mistake I hope he's being very diligent with your treatment. You deserve it! Take care.
Some days nothing can make you feel better but today this helped me and I hope that it helps you.
"The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly." - Siddartha
I'll think of you and send positive energy your way!
Surely this is the most natural and healthy reaction to this whole process. How many times do we build our what if's' into 'when' only to be dreadfully let down.
This IS your best cycle chance and I, for one, will be hoping and wishing for you, so you can do whatever it takes to get through another cycle.
You are brave to be going on. I admire you.
I'm sorry you're feeling so burned out and skeptical of the whole thing. I hope this will finally be the recipe that works for you. And IVF 40+ is right...your feelings are natural and healthy considering how many times you've had your hopes dashed.
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