I don't know if it's the lupron or the crappy weather - days and days of rain and gray skies - but I've definitely got a huge case of the blahs. I want to feel happy and positive, but I just can't right now.
It started with that stupid Facebook and Halloween - the perfect opportunity for all my fertile "friends" to post cute photos of their kids all dressed up for Halloween. I have this one former friend who, for some reason, is the target of all my fertile-hate. I feel bad, because it's not her fault that she can get pregnant without even trying, even when she got married after I did and now already has two kids. I am still friends with people who have kids but, early on in this journey, I decided that I could no longer be friends with her. So, of course, she is the one who had to post an entire album of both her kids all dressed up and then all their friends and the party they had at the kids' school. Arrgghhhh! I guess I could just "unfriend" her but then where would I channel all my anger?
Second, I'm pissed about all the things I have put off doing because "I'll probably be pregnant then." I've been sitting here wasting my life for the past three years and it is starting to make me really mad. I used to "run" marathons. I wasn't fast, but I enjoyed training with my running group and going on long runs with friends to get ready. I completed my last one three years ago. Well, this past spring, a good friend of mine who had never really run before decided that she wanted to train for and run a marathon and wanted me to join her. I couldn't, of course, because we were doing a DE cycle in the summer and I was certain I'd be pregnant when the marathon came around. Well, the marathon has come and gone. I missed out on the chance to have this experience with a good friend and to also do something for myself that I really enjoy. Pisses me off!
And third, since I began trying all this IVF stuff, I have put on at least 13 pounds that have attached themselves permanently to my body. I can not get rid of them. I have three weeks before my scheduled transfer to try my best to get some of this weight off, but it will not budge. I saw some video footage of myself last night that we shot while on vacation at the end of this summer. I was disgusted. I could not believe how HUGE I looked. I really am sick of all this shit!
I want to be healthy and in shape and I want to live my life how I want to live it, and, yes, I do want to have a baby. I'm just tired of trying to jump through all these hoops without having any success.
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6 comments:
Your post really struck a chord -- I could have written the exact same thing. I'm sorry to hear the you've been the recipient of the "look how cute my children are" pics -- I made the mistake of logging into FB today and got the same eyeful of adorable-ness. And then I cried and got super angry at people for posting the stupid photos. So no more FB for me for a week or so.
I also "get" the marathon -- last year the Boy and I were going to start training for NY (we have also each run 2) and instead I am still not pregnant, can barely run 3 miles and have an extra 15 lbs stapled to my ass.
This does suck beyond words -- it's so lame to postpone life while trying like hell to have a baby. I have no good advice, except don't try to lose 13 lbs in 3 weeks -- no good will come of that.
Yep, got hit with the FB pics too. Totally sucks.
The other day I overheard a conversation where someone said she didn't want to be pregnant in the summer, so she had to time things carefully. I thought "wow. I'll so never even have that option--ever." That's what IF does to you. Takes away every bit of control that a fertile person doesn't even think twice about. I'm still bitter about it. Not sure I'll ever be able to let that part go. It really really sucks to have your entire life revolve around trying to do what most people don' think twice about.
Hang in there. At least things are moving forward for you.
Halloween is so hard - so is every other damned holiday when you're TTC and infertile. Like you, I started this journey 3 years ago and feel like I'm in a holding pattern, and it pisses me off. My job is the perfect job if I get pregnant and have children, but it's not challenging enough for me right now. I have also gained about 13-15lbs since I began this IVF journey 3 years ago - totally sucks. I'm on this journey with you. 3 more weeks until transfer....Hang in there. xxoo
I never got into the FB thing, but you know what's coming next, right? The annual holiday family photo accompanied by the letter detailing all the fabulous accomplishments of the children. That's what I always hated. The perfect, accomplished, stellar children stories. It made me want to write one about my dogs, their fabulous grooming appointments and such. Bleah. I say go do something really nice for yourself.
Hi, I just wanted to let you know you're not alone on the "I've put my lift on hold" thoughts. I feel the same way and have a difficult time not doing things because we're trying to get pregnant, only to not get pregnant. I just keep hoping that it will be back on the agenda soon.
Good luck!
Your post struck a chord with me, too. I have been really pissed at a internet friend who also got pg with donor eggs on her first try. All sense has really left her head because EVERY FB update is about how much she is puking or how the baby is kicking her in the cervix...ad nauseum. It seems that all her infertile experiences have completely left her. I actually decide to use the hide function so I don't have to look at her posts!
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