Crushed Hope

The small scrap of hope that I was holding on to, that kept me going, that got me through the past few days has been crushed. After finding out that our donor cycle did not work, my husband and I felt optimistic to learn that our clinic offered an embryo adoption program. Their website states: "we currently have embryos ready to be matched to couples who want to build their families. These embryos are cryopreserved and have been released to us by current and former patients who have completed building their families but would like to help other couples who, for whatever reason, cannot use their own eggs and sperm."

So, of course my husband and I thought we could sign up for the program, get matched and then transfer the embryos. I should have known better. Nothing in my life when it comes to getting pregnant is ever easy. It turns out that the website was extremely misleading. I met with my doctor today and he confirmed that they do have a program but there is, of course, a very long waiting list and when you do come up, you have no choice in the embryos other than to say 'yes or no' - there is no "matching" like they indicated on their site.

I was absolutely crushed to find this out and started crying in his office. We were going to go this route because it would be relatively cheap for us to do this at my existing clinic since I've already done all my labs there etc. I don't think we can afford to pursue any other options at this point. I mean, I guess we can put our name on the list but then what if the embryos that come up for us are not a good match for us at all and we have to say no - what then? I wanted to have some say in at least the quality of the embryos if nothing else.

I am so upset. It really does appear that the end of the road is here. I do have one frozen blast but it's a day 6 blast rather than a day 5 so I don't know if it's even worth paying all that money to transfer it or not - probably not.

UPDATE - Ok, I've known this for a really long time. My doctor is an idiot. I've been wanting to leave my clinic for months and months and wish I would have but after I've been there so long, it's easier to stay than to have to find a new clinic, transfer my medical records, do all new labs because I think mine have actually expired etc etc. Anyway, I called the embryologist who is actually the one who oversees the adoption program and he made it sound much more promising - the list isn't nearly as long as my doctor indicated and they do try to do some matching in cases where they have the information - such as if the embryos are from a donor cycle - then they know details - if they aren't then they may not know hair color etc. Anyway, I'm officially on the list now and he is going to e-mail me some info. So we'll see. My stupid ass doctor was trying to push me toward another donor cycle which we just can't afford.