I'm not completely giving up hope, yet - but I've been thinking a lot about my DE cycle, which I had thought would be the answer to our prayers. As I quickly approach beta day and still have no symptoms, I'm really starting to worry that this isn't going to work - and it's not like I have 20 or even 10 or 5 frozen embies as a backup in case it doesn't work. We only ended up with one. ONE. This isn't how a donor cycle is supposed to work. First of all, you are supposed to get a BFP because you are using DONOR eggs and, second, if for some weird chance it doesn't work, there should be lots of wonderful frozen blasts to fall back on. Unfortunately, that's not the case for us and what's even worse is that I'm not going to get a do-over. There's no more money for such things.
But a girl can still dream. If I could get another chance, I would ask my clinic to find me the youngest, most proven, superstar donor that they have - one who routinely produces 20-30+ eggs and has several proven pregnancies from DE cycles to back her up. I wouldn't care about all the things I worried about when I was selecting my donor - height, weight, hair color, eye color, education level, blood type. I was so focused on finding someone who was so like me that I neglected to focus on what really matters - how many eggs can this donor produce and are they good eggs - the kind that get you pregnant? Because if you don't get the BFP, none of the rest of that stuff matters. Who cares that my donor has high SAT scores, a high HQ and the same hair and eye color as me? That's nice, but I want a baby. When I had asked if my donor was a proven donor, my nurse (the old one who, thankfully, is no longer there) gave me an incomplete answer - she said that she had two adorable children of her own and that when she did an u/s on her she saw at least 10-12 follicles on one ovary but for some reason -which I can't remember -said something about something blocking the other one at the time and she didn't get a count. Why didn't I question that more? I know why - because I was so smitten with the donor - she was smart, pretty and had all my same features and similar interests. I'm an idiot.
So, here's my advice to anyone getting ready to head down this road - similar features are nice, but the main thing you need to be focused on when selecting a donor is finding a proven donor - get the numbers - what is her antral follicle count? how many eggs did she produce in past cycles? how many resulted in live pregnancies? how many frozen blasts? I don't know how much of this they'll tell you, but that's the important stuff - not silly things like hair and eye color.
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7 comments:
A really good reminder. It's so easy, looking at databases full of 'egg material' to forget that THE only really important qualification is: can she do a fantastifreakingfabulous job of makin' eggs?
I'm still feeling hopeful that you've got a wombful of fantastifreakingfabulous right now. Thinking of you, and my fingers are crossed.
Oh, the 2ww truly sucks. I am already dreading it. In the topsy turvy world of IF may you be plagued with morning sickness and all the rest!!
Sending you peace and love.
EB
I am so sorry you're dealing with these kind of second thoughts. You are in my thoughts. I hope you get your BFP.
Of course you're absolutely right. I'm so sorry to see you feeling lost and remorseful over your decision. I'm at a loss for what to say, except that I hope your donor pulls through for you. Thinking of you.
Riley,
I am so sorry you are going through all this. I am astonished that you haven't have the outcome we tend to expect from DE (easy BFP, lots to freeze). I'm just shocked and saddened for you.
I don't think you should feel silly for wanting certain characteristics from the donor. I understand your second guessing you choice process...those things do matter but I totally understand how those things are simply bonuses after being proven.
But I wouldn't be sop hard on yourself (easy for me to say ). I would have considered your donor "proven" becasue she has two kids. I think the industry considers that "proven"...but it's a far cry from someone who has done IFV and has done ER and you have counts of embryos, frozen embryos, and BFP"s.
I am also at a loss for words. I am still holding out hope for you.
Riley, your advice about an egg donor is very timely. First, I am sorry that this cycle looks like a bust. Like you, this will be our last cycle. Donor IVF is way expensive so only one go round for us. We are in the midst of choosing a donor. The one we are leaning toward is young, 21. Married but not starting a family yet, in college. No previous IVF cycles. We would be her first. Her antral follicle count was 20 total when last checked. She sounds great but your post has made me stop and think
Sending a hug your way.
You are so right about donor considerations. Hard to remember when you are cooing over pictures of the donor as a child, or reading her history and thinking - I did that in HS too! But the eggs are the thing. I would never go with an unproven donor again, I just don't have the time for that.
But don't count yourself out - you tested very early on. I am anxiously awaiting your beta news; hope it all works out!
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