I hate to rain on everyone's parade, but yes I did POAS this morning and it was snow white - negative. I'm trying to remain positive but it is so hard at this point. Everyone I know that got a BFP got a positive pee stick by this point. I know my beta is not until Sunday and there is still a chance that I can get a positive, but right now I'm not feeling very hopeful. I've been in tears all morning - trying to pull myself together so I can get through the work day. I didn't tell my hubby - he would not be pleased that I tested, but he did notice that something was wrong with me this morning. I told him I'm just worried that it's not going to work - this makes him mad. He wants me to be positive. But all I can think about is this not working - it will absolutely devastate both of us. We are at the end of the line - IVF three times with my eggs, then once again with donor eggs (we really thought this would be the solution). We have spent so much money, time, energy and emotion on all this. There's just none left. We actually had to borrow money from a friend to do this final DE cycle. We really thought this would work. I still hope it does. I'm going to try to remain as positive as I can, but I am freaking out a little. I just don't know what we'll do if it doesn't. I feel like I'll need to move away. I can't come to work every day to a place where my secretary is 7-8 weeks pregnant right now. I don't want to be around our good friends who just announced they are pregnant even though they weren't trying. All my other friends already have kids. I feel like such a loser - I don't belong anywhere. And my poor husband - he wants to be a dad so badly. I don't want to let him down. How will our marriage survive if I can't give him children? I know he loves me but I'll feel like such a failure as a wife.
I hope I'm freaking out over nothing, but after the negative test and the lack of symptoms I'm not feeling very hopeful.
9 comments:
I am so sorry. The 2ww is one of the worst torments in this process. I will remind you that it is still early. I will remind you that lots of people never get good, positive HPTs until their beta day, or right before. I know none of this helps. The wait sucks, the fear of it not having worked really sucks.
Thinking of you, and hoping hoping hoping that this is the time that it DOES work for you. Be well.
The only times I have been pregnant I got a positive POAS once. I hate those things. they totally suck. It is still early and there is still hope.
Such a difficult part of the process. Thinking of you.
EB
I know quite a few women who tested negative on HPTs all the way up to beta and are now holding their beautiful babies. Do not lose hope. And if you do, we will keep it alive for you. *HUGS*
I still think it's a bit early but I understand bracing oneself for bad news. I am thinking of you and holding out hope.
Your pain and fear are so raw, I could feel them in your words. I'm so sorry the stick didn't do it's job, and I know it must be so hard to wait these next several days until the blood test. I'm going to hope and pray that you get a super surprise on Sunday. That the stick lied. That your baby is on its way. Thinking of you.
It is so hard to see that pristine whiteness on the stick - even though you know it is WAY early, and it could be wrong, the pain of seeing that white makes me never test! But some people start testing about now and keep testing every day so they can see the line get stronger, or at least prepare themselves for whatever news at beta. I am hoping so hard that you have great news on Sunday - take care.
My dear Riley...I tried to post a comment yesterday, but it didn't work...I will try again here...I first want to say that I totally understand what you're saying. While I agree with everyone who's commented before me that it's still so early and you still have such a great chance for this to work this time, your mind can't help but go to "what if it doesn't?". So, we know this is a big "if", but let's just go there for a moment...if it doesn't happen this time, I know it is the scariest thing to think that it is the end of the road. From one 38-year-old to another, I get it. But many would actually say we are still young (my acupuncturist certainly would!!), and there is still lots of time. There may not be money for a while, but you still have time. Time to collect yourself and figure out what the next step is, what the options are, and we will all be here to support you through.
I hope with all my heart that this is it, but if it's not, there is still time, there is still hope, and we are still here for you. Sending you lots of love and prayers. XOXO
I am so very sorry. I know how hurt you are to not have seen two lines. If I hadn't witnessed SO many people getting negatives the night before their betas, I might think it's more ominous but beta numbers are tricky devils. You may have a very good surprise on Sunday. I wish it for you!
How are you sweetie? I haven't been on-line since last week, but I wanted to check in on you. Hoping for you since I already filled the quota for BFN's. You can't possibly fail. (hugs)
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