I feel like a terrible person for even mentioning this in this forum, but I'm not one of those women who has always dreamed of having a baby. When I was single, I didn't fantasize about becoming a mom one day - I fantasized about becoming a girlfriend, a wife, but not a mom. I had friends at the time who had said that if they weren't married by a certain age, then they would adopt. I never felt that way. I'm not baby crazy. Babies are fine, but I'm not the one who rushes over and wants to ooh and aah and pick them up. It's just not me.
But when I met my husband, fell in love and got married, I knew that I wanted to have our baby. I wanted to create a family with my husband. After years of trying both naturally and through IVF without success, we decided to try donor eggs. I was upset by this at first and mourned the fact that the baby would not be OUR baby - that I would lose the genetic connection to our offspring. However, I fairly quickly resolved myself to the situation and soon became comfortable with the idea because it would be my husband's genetic offspring. I wanted so much to give him this gift.
Now, here we are. Donor eggs did not work and my doctor is indicating that now he's thinking that my husband's sperm may be a big reason why. So, now we are moving on to thinking about donor embryos or doing another donor egg cycle with a sperm donor. We both quickly latched onto this idea because we are so tired of all the disappointments and we just want a baby.
But now that I've had a few days to think about it - is that what I REALLY want? Just any baby. A baby that has no genetic connection to either of us. I go back and forth on if this matters or not. My step brother and his wife recently adopted a little girl. I've seen how much they completely love their daughter. And I know if someone handed me and my husband this same child and told us to raise her that we'd love her as well. I know that. I really do.
I just wonder if having been trying for so long, have I lost sight of what I really want? I mean, every time we fail, I immediately come up with a new and different plan of attack. My mission is to achieve success - they can't hold me back. Am I just "playing a game" and trying to reach the prize at the end. Maybe if I try a different protocol, maybe if we use a donor, maybe if we use donor sperm.....
I don't know. I feel really confused right now. The one thing that hasn't changed is that I do still want our baby or my husband's baby VERY badly. I just don't know truly and honestly how I feel about having someone else's baby. Is that terrible?
4 comments:
It's not terrible at all. I know I will probably always deeply mourn not having a child that's a product of my own genetic heritage. There's something very primal and connecting about children and grandparents all related by blood, sharing features and personalities.
It's not everything, obviously, but it is a factor. And it's a good thing that you're thinking hard about it now. Whatever you decide will be the right thing for you - it's a cliche, but it's true. And your truth is really the only one that matters in this situation. I hope you find some peace, and can make a decision that you're happy to live with. Thinking of you.
No, it's not terrible. It's your truth and your decision, and we are all entitled to our feelings about what is right for us. I have a great deal of respect for all the women I know who are using donor eggs or sperm or embryos. It's an incredible thing to carry a human life in your body, no matter the biological origin. And I think that when a baby develops in your body, since your blood and breath move through him/her, that baby becomes part of you. It may not be my choice or your choice, but that doesn't make us terrible. We're all allowed to choose the journey that we are most comfortable with - all choices are the best choices because they are our own. The right one for you is simply...right!
I admire your honesty about all this. And no, these are not terrible thoughts. I wasn't a "baby person" until I became a peds nurse. And I too have had to deal with the whole "not my genetic child" thing. What? No curly red hair? No fiery personality? No looking into the baby's eyes and seeing my own? Or my husband's? I totally get that. It's a fact to be mourned.
For me, I guess I thought about it in a way similar to the way you mentioned. If someone put a newborn in my hands and said, "Here, raise it" would I love it? Yes. And as I see little babies in the stores or in the post office or, like today, a newborn in the dr's office, I think, yeah, definitely, sweet baby, I could love you.
Now that I am pg with a donor embryo, I am brought to tears every time I see that two dimensional, blurry little amorphous form on the u/s screen. It's so beautiful and precious and by golly, it is MY baby!
You and your husband have a lot to think about. No one can make this decision for you. But I hope you know that whatever you decide, you have all of our support. Take your time. Listen to your heart. Be true to yourselves.
Here from sprogblogger's site. Not terrible at all. It is very tough to move from that dream of seeing one another in a child to using donor sperm and/or donor egg. We moved on to DS due to my husband's sperm after 3.5 IVFs - two miscarriages and one bfn. I did a natural IUI with DS - miscarriage. I did another natural IUI with DS - bfn. Finally, my third cycle with DS was with clomid and I am now pregnant with twins and I have to say that as each day goes by I think less and less of their genetic origins and more and more about the parents we will be.
It is tough. It is all tough.
Post a Comment